Did I anticipated it too much that it came to happen or it was really bound to happen and I can't do anything about it but to wait in vain?!
Yes, it happened. She said that she has to leave me (again) with no definite reason. She said that there are people who doesn't want her to be happy and she can't do anything about it.
What about love? I guess love is just a word... an overrated one.
But then, didn't I wrote on my previous blog post that I am still on the "wait and see" mode?! Does this mean that I am not hurt?!
Unfortunately, I am still very much hurting right now. After all the preparations for this moment (as I saw it happening), here I am again bewildered and lost. I guess there is no preparation enough for this kind of hurting.
The good things is "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." For now, I'll enjoy the pain... but tomorrow... or the next days to come, I know I'll suddenly become numb, either of too much pain or the will to feel nothing, I'll go numb.
This time, how I wish that when I go numb... it would cripple my badly battered heart forever.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Here she goes again...
Remember that "ohsoquickshotfromthemoon" relationship I had the last time?
We're at it again. After the breakup, we stayed as friends... and along the way we were able to get to know each other better than when we were "on".
There were times then that I'm starting to wonder how come everytime she has this big problem, I'm the first one she'll call or text and ask for help. She has a boyfriend then, so I was baffled.
It turns out that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. It opened doors for us to know each other well and it somehow nurtured the feelings that was left after the breakup.
The comeback started with some sweet messages like "I love you friend", or "miss na kita lagi dude". Oh well, to make the story short... it was actually her who first said "I love you, sincerely" to me.
Who the hell doesn't heard of the maxim "Love is sweeter the second time around"? Well, love is indeed sweeter for us this time. Noticeably, she is sweeter.. and kinda more concern. What is she now is a far cry from what she was then...
But wait, I am still cautious about all the bliss and happiness I am going thru right now. Honestly, she's still too volatile... unpredictable in anything. Her ex-bfs are whooing her again and lots of suitors are already lining up.
But then, I must say that I am really inlove with her. Right now, I'm still trying to go thru a "wait and see" mode and hoping for the best, expecting the worst.
I guess with all the past heartaches I've been thru, I am a bit smarter now yet still relatively stupid.
Let's see what's next...
We're at it again. After the breakup, we stayed as friends... and along the way we were able to get to know each other better than when we were "on".
There were times then that I'm starting to wonder how come everytime she has this big problem, I'm the first one she'll call or text and ask for help. She has a boyfriend then, so I was baffled.
It turns out that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. It opened doors for us to know each other well and it somehow nurtured the feelings that was left after the breakup.
The comeback started with some sweet messages like "I love you friend", or "miss na kita lagi dude". Oh well, to make the story short... it was actually her who first said "I love you, sincerely" to me.
Who the hell doesn't heard of the maxim "Love is sweeter the second time around"? Well, love is indeed sweeter for us this time. Noticeably, she is sweeter.. and kinda more concern. What is she now is a far cry from what she was then...
But wait, I am still cautious about all the bliss and happiness I am going thru right now. Honestly, she's still too volatile... unpredictable in anything. Her ex-bfs are whooing her again and lots of suitors are already lining up.
But then, I must say that I am really inlove with her. Right now, I'm still trying to go thru a "wait and see" mode and hoping for the best, expecting the worst.
I guess with all the past heartaches I've been thru, I am a bit smarter now yet still relatively stupid.
Let's see what's next...
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Today I am 31
Today I am 31. Next year, wala na ako sa kalendaryo.
Today I want to celebrate my birthday a little different from what I've been doing in the past years. The past birthday celebrations were like as if I am running for municipal councilor. 30 or more cases of Red Horse Beer, 2 or more goats, 30 or more kilos of tilapia... and more. (Oh well, I don't usually spend for the food and drinks, I have sponsors.)
Today, I will only have a couple of friends at my house. A few long-neck bottles of Gran Matador and a few packs of chichirya for pulutan. Truth to tell, a friend of mine will still throw a party for me this Sunday but that's another story.
I want a party that is solemn, a party where I can relate to my selected visitors what it has been for me in the past years and what I plan to do in the next couple of years. So this is how it feels to be 31, the years are started to line up right before my very eyes.
"If you take a look back then replay the years, and if it doesn't give you a tear of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted."
There, right after I type these words at this moment... tears started to freely flow from my eyes and with that I know my years hasn't been wasted after all.
Last night, I asked Rodel... "Dre, am a failure at 31?" He answered, "Dave, if you have been a failure... how come many still envy the life you enjoy or the talent and skills that you possess or even the smile that you manage to wear everytime you greet someone?"
He further said, "Instead of looking back at things you failed to accomplish at your age, try to look back at all the challenges that came past your life and how were you able to overcome them ."
He also said "Dave, I know all the difficulties and challenges that you went thru... and truth to tell not everybody that I know were strong or lucky enough to survive."
Lastly, he said "So cheer up, you're still the man. You have a full life ahead of you so better prep up coz many, not only me as your friend, believe in you."
Thanks Rodel, I don't know how or where you got those words... but you somehow know how to say the right words at the right place and at the right time.
And yes, I am 31 and happy. It is not a perfect life of 31 years, but in those years I have met "perfect" people who are worth to be cherised in more than a lifetime. There is Ate Dayday, who loves me as if I'm her son. And then I have Edu, a friend who at one time I duped yet he never showed me any ill feelings at all but instead showered me with forgiveness and understanding. Its not katangahan pare, its being noble.
I raise my glass to you. Edu, you should have been Christ. I mean it.
I have Rodel, not a perfect person but a perfect friend when in difficult times.
I have Amor, my perfect business partner...
I have my boss, who is not a perfect boss, but a perfect public servant.
I have my kids (Jeri Mayah, Yujin and Denise), who are for me just PERFECT.
And all other people who came by and each left an indelible mark on my heart... my friends and dear someones....
So you see, life may not have been perfect for me... but I couldn't care less for I couldn't ask for more.
Today I want to celebrate my birthday a little different from what I've been doing in the past years. The past birthday celebrations were like as if I am running for municipal councilor. 30 or more cases of Red Horse Beer, 2 or more goats, 30 or more kilos of tilapia... and more. (Oh well, I don't usually spend for the food and drinks, I have sponsors.)
Today, I will only have a couple of friends at my house. A few long-neck bottles of Gran Matador and a few packs of chichirya for pulutan. Truth to tell, a friend of mine will still throw a party for me this Sunday but that's another story.
I want a party that is solemn, a party where I can relate to my selected visitors what it has been for me in the past years and what I plan to do in the next couple of years. So this is how it feels to be 31, the years are started to line up right before my very eyes.
"If you take a look back then replay the years, and if it doesn't give you a tear of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted."
There, right after I type these words at this moment... tears started to freely flow from my eyes and with that I know my years hasn't been wasted after all.
Last night, I asked Rodel... "Dre, am a failure at 31?" He answered, "Dave, if you have been a failure... how come many still envy the life you enjoy or the talent and skills that you possess or even the smile that you manage to wear everytime you greet someone?"
He further said, "Instead of looking back at things you failed to accomplish at your age, try to look back at all the challenges that came past your life and how were you able to overcome them ."
He also said "Dave, I know all the difficulties and challenges that you went thru... and truth to tell not everybody that I know were strong or lucky enough to survive."
Lastly, he said "So cheer up, you're still the man. You have a full life ahead of you so better prep up coz many, not only me as your friend, believe in you."
Thanks Rodel, I don't know how or where you got those words... but you somehow know how to say the right words at the right place and at the right time.
And yes, I am 31 and happy. It is not a perfect life of 31 years, but in those years I have met "perfect" people who are worth to be cherised in more than a lifetime. There is Ate Dayday, who loves me as if I'm her son. And then I have Edu, a friend who at one time I duped yet he never showed me any ill feelings at all but instead showered me with forgiveness and understanding. Its not katangahan pare, its being noble.
I raise my glass to you. Edu, you should have been Christ. I mean it.
I have Rodel, not a perfect person but a perfect friend when in difficult times.
I have Amor, my perfect business partner...
I have my boss, who is not a perfect boss, but a perfect public servant.
I have my kids (Jeri Mayah, Yujin and Denise), who are for me just PERFECT.
And all other people who came by and each left an indelible mark on my heart... my friends and dear someones....
So you see, life may not have been perfect for me... but I couldn't care less for I couldn't ask for more.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Its a Cycle, afterall...
Remember my recent "oh-so-quick!" relationship?! Yep, with that girl who still loves her ex-bf then she subsequently left me...
We are now good friends.
How about my Dee who is in the US? Oh well, I can safely say that we are also friends na.
Somehow, meeting girls for me is a cycle. We meet as friends, then fall in love, then broke up.. then now friends. Most of the time, that's how it is for me.
The question are: which of these cycles will go on turning... or when will they stop turning... and who the hell is turning these cycles?!
World turning roung, turning round, over and over again...
I hope someday, there will come a girl who will make everything stop for me and from there we shall cherish our moments till eternity.. if ever eternity is true.
We are now good friends.
How about my Dee who is in the US? Oh well, I can safely say that we are also friends na.
Somehow, meeting girls for me is a cycle. We meet as friends, then fall in love, then broke up.. then now friends. Most of the time, that's how it is for me.
The question are: which of these cycles will go on turning... or when will they stop turning... and who the hell is turning these cycles?!
World turning roung, turning round, over and over again...
I hope someday, there will come a girl who will make everything stop for me and from there we shall cherish our moments till eternity.. if ever eternity is true.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Rediscovering my love for Chess...
If ever there is anything good that happened to me in my recent relationship is that I rediscovered my love for chess... How that happened?
My ex had this younger bro named ConCon (as for Conrado) who happens to be an aspiring chess player. He's only a freshman in high school. I kinda like the kid and I supposed its plus points to win her sister's heart if I teach him how to play good chess.
I was a chess player in high school for GJC and was a player for the College of Engineering and College of Arts and Sciences in my collegiate years. I had this reputation of being a giant killer, beating every top board player in each college but seems to falter on same level or even lower level players.
So it started as Concon goes to the public library to play chess with me on lunch breaks. From there I found out that I am still somewhat a capable player and has lots of ideas of basic chess strategies and theories to share. Then other young players came to play with me and in a few days time, I am again addicted to chess.
Oh well, her sister is now an EX. But still I play chess with Concon and his schoolmates. I also found out that the internet is a vast resource of chess games including chess notations... which makes me remember my old days of chess where I had to borrow chess books from friends.
At least, I found something good about the last relationship and rediscovered an old love. Wanna play some chess with me?!
P.S.: Check out http://chessgames.com and http://instantchess.com. :)
My ex had this younger bro named ConCon (as for Conrado) who happens to be an aspiring chess player. He's only a freshman in high school. I kinda like the kid and I supposed its plus points to win her sister's heart if I teach him how to play good chess.
I was a chess player in high school for GJC and was a player for the College of Engineering and College of Arts and Sciences in my collegiate years. I had this reputation of being a giant killer, beating every top board player in each college but seems to falter on same level or even lower level players.
So it started as Concon goes to the public library to play chess with me on lunch breaks. From there I found out that I am still somewhat a capable player and has lots of ideas of basic chess strategies and theories to share. Then other young players came to play with me and in a few days time, I am again addicted to chess.
Oh well, her sister is now an EX. But still I play chess with Concon and his schoolmates. I also found out that the internet is a vast resource of chess games including chess notations... which makes me remember my old days of chess where I had to borrow chess books from friends.
At least, I found something good about the last relationship and rediscovered an old love. Wanna play some chess with me?!
P.S.: Check out http://chessgames.com and http://instantchess.com. :)
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I Knew it was Coming...
I have read the signs on the wall.. yet I ignored it all in the name of love.
I knew it was coming.
And yes, its over. Just like that. Love like life is a joke.
End of discussion.
I knew it was coming.
And yes, its over. Just like that. Love like life is a joke.
End of discussion.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Danger!
I think I love her. She said she loves me too.
Or does she?
Or am I so much loved in my past serious relationship (and got so hurt when I lost it) that I don't know already how it feels to be loved?
Well, she does admit that she doesn't get into serious relationships and she WAS a playgirl. She's actually much younger than me.
Uh-oh, the sign reads DANGER. Not a good follow-up to a badly beaten heart. I need to get out before it gets sticky, or else suffer the same fate I had the last time.
Hay, foolish heart.
Or does she?
Or am I so much loved in my past serious relationship (and got so hurt when I lost it) that I don't know already how it feels to be loved?
Well, she does admit that she doesn't get into serious relationships and she WAS a playgirl. She's actually much younger than me.
Uh-oh, the sign reads DANGER. Not a good follow-up to a badly beaten heart. I need to get out before it gets sticky, or else suffer the same fate I had the last time.
Hay, foolish heart.
Friday, October 06, 2006
After all this time...
After months (I've lost track) I finally had the chance to talk to her...
The feeling is still there (at least for me) and I'm glad the bitterness is gone.
Promise, someday I'll tell you sincerely that "I am so happy for you".
But not now. Take care always, let's sleep.
The feeling is still there (at least for me) and I'm glad the bitterness is gone.
Promise, someday I'll tell you sincerely that "I am so happy for you".
But not now. Take care always, let's sleep.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Songs that keeps playing in my mind...
This morning, an officemate opened a page at tristancafe.com and I was surprised that I actually liked the song that was playing. Its To Love Again as revived by U Turn... oh well, I did said I am already healed? Yes I am but the song just sounds so good...
Another song is Pwede Ba? by Soad Dish...
Ahh songs that keeps me somewhat happy (and terribly sad) the whole day long....
Another song is Pwede Ba? by Soad Dish...
Ahh songs that keeps me somewhat happy (and terribly sad) the whole day long....
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Hello World!
Its been quite sometime and I must say that I have gone thru it all... I am healed.
So let me introduce myself again, I am Dave... what you see is what you get.
Hello world!
So let me introduce myself again, I am Dave... what you see is what you get.
Hello world!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Let the Pain Remain...
There are just some songs that will forever stay in me, coz it will always reflect my true feelings... like this one by the Side A (or is it Ella May Saison who did the original?)
LET THE PAIN REMAIN
love comes, love goes,
but a sudden feeling never lets me be
somehow, i know,
quite a part of me isn't changed since you've been gone
like a sturdy tree thats seen a thousand seasons
i've to shed my leaves in winter
and grow them back in spring
to welcome life again
to welcome you
so goes, my life
still beleive in dreams of having you around
too bad, memories feed the mind and not the heart
where i want you to be,
so i ask myself what you've left behind for me
to go on each day and live as if
i have you once again
what else is there that's real
but all the pain that i feel,
chorus:
so let the pain remain
forever in my heart
for every throb it brings is one more moment
spent with you,
i let the pain, bring on the rain
if that's the only way
if there's no other way
to be with you again
too bad memories, feed the mind and not the heart
where i want you to be
so i ask myself what you've left behind for me
to go on each day
and live as if i have you once again
what else is there that's real
but all the pain that i feel
LET THE PAIN REMAIN
love comes, love goes,
but a sudden feeling never lets me be
somehow, i know,
quite a part of me isn't changed since you've been gone
like a sturdy tree thats seen a thousand seasons
i've to shed my leaves in winter
and grow them back in spring
to welcome life again
to welcome you
so goes, my life
still beleive in dreams of having you around
too bad, memories feed the mind and not the heart
where i want you to be,
so i ask myself what you've left behind for me
to go on each day and live as if
i have you once again
what else is there that's real
but all the pain that i feel,
chorus:
so let the pain remain
forever in my heart
for every throb it brings is one more moment
spent with you,
i let the pain, bring on the rain
if that's the only way
if there's no other way
to be with you again
too bad memories, feed the mind and not the heart
where i want you to be
so i ask myself what you've left behind for me
to go on each day
and live as if i have you once again
what else is there that's real
but all the pain that i feel
Monday, September 18, 2006
Life's a Joke
By The Speaks (the same Pinoy band who sang High)
Clouds around today
Inside im loosing
I think its funny
But its not amusing
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Well i play for sanity
But im not gonna loose it
Your intuition me
Well im gonna loose you
You give me sympathy
But i'll never use it
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Welli play for sanity
But now im gonna loose it
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Is lifes a joke
Your intuition me
Well im gonna loose you
You give me sympathy
But i'll never use it
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Well i play for sanity
But im not gonna loose it
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think
Is lifes a joke
Lifes a joke
Lifes a joke
Clouds around today
Inside im loosing
I think its funny
But its not amusing
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Well i play for sanity
But im not gonna loose it
Your intuition me
Well im gonna loose you
You give me sympathy
But i'll never use it
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Welli play for sanity
But now im gonna loose it
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Is lifes a joke
Your intuition me
Well im gonna loose you
You give me sympathy
But i'll never use it
Its just a little thing
That im abusing
Well i play for sanity
But im not gonna loose it
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Thinking about the days when i was young
Life was looking fading
I didnt comment when all you think is life's a joke
Feeling you didnt when know your worth is gone
Things am looking cheated
I didnt comment when all you think
Is lifes a joke
Lifes a joke
Lifes a joke
Friday, September 15, 2006
Disillusioned...
There was a time that I pity people who are dissillusioned by the words "love" and "forever".
That was the time I would ask them to reconsider their belief and that life is beautiful... that love and forever does have a space in this world.
Not anymore.
Recently, I learned that the woman I loved so much... who did said that she loved me so much... is already dating someone else. Should I be happy for her?! Damn, kaplastikan ata un. I do still love her.... so if she wants to be happy, then so be it. Don't say that hey we can still be friends di ba?
I mean, where is the "love" and the "forever" that we were talking then? Andali ata nya akong naipagpalit... and she is even asking me to be her friend daw.
(I'm sorry, you go move on... I'm still stuck, but I won't stop you coz its your choice to leave me.)
I guess PipingSaksi was right, "forever" is only till you want to make it happen.
How about love? Its the biggest joke ever.
Or relationships?! Relationships is for someone who is looking for someone better to come...
Yes, count me in... I am already disillusioned. So much for "love", "forever" and "relationships".
Don't give me that look.
That was the time I would ask them to reconsider their belief and that life is beautiful... that love and forever does have a space in this world.
Not anymore.
Recently, I learned that the woman I loved so much... who did said that she loved me so much... is already dating someone else. Should I be happy for her?! Damn, kaplastikan ata un. I do still love her.... so if she wants to be happy, then so be it. Don't say that hey we can still be friends di ba?
I mean, where is the "love" and the "forever" that we were talking then? Andali ata nya akong naipagpalit... and she is even asking me to be her friend daw.
(I'm sorry, you go move on... I'm still stuck, but I won't stop you coz its your choice to leave me.)
I guess PipingSaksi was right, "forever" is only till you want to make it happen.
How about love? Its the biggest joke ever.
Or relationships?! Relationships is for someone who is looking for someone better to come...
Yes, count me in... I am already disillusioned. So much for "love", "forever" and "relationships".
Don't give me that look.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Just got out... again.
Wala na ba akong ibang alam kundi tumakas?!
Pag ayaw ko na.. tigil na. Wala na.
Tulad na lang nung isang organisasyon na feeling ko eh ginagamit lang kami...
At dahil ayaw ko, umalis ako. Tama ba yun, o di kaya dapat eh ginawa ko ang aking magagawa para mabago ang sitwasyon.
Hay, nagbabago na ata ako... Asan na ba ang Dave na kilala ko?
Pag ayaw ko na.. tigil na. Wala na.
Tulad na lang nung isang organisasyon na feeling ko eh ginagamit lang kami...
At dahil ayaw ko, umalis ako. Tama ba yun, o di kaya dapat eh ginawa ko ang aking magagawa para mabago ang sitwasyon.
Hay, nagbabago na ata ako... Asan na ba ang Dave na kilala ko?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I thought I had what I wanted...
I thought I just wanna lose you....
How come I miss you still?
I thought I wanna relieved of myself of pain...
How come I am suffering right now from the fact that I have lost you forever?
I thought I wanted to stop loving you....
How come I still can't... and may never be.
I thought I had what I wanted... but all I got is denial of what I really wanted... that is to be with you till the rest of our lives.
*sigh*
How come I miss you still?
I thought I wanna relieved of myself of pain...
How come I am suffering right now from the fact that I have lost you forever?
I thought I wanted to stop loving you....
How come I still can't... and may never be.
I thought I had what I wanted... but all I got is denial of what I really wanted... that is to be with you till the rest of our lives.
*sigh*
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Stop
It ends here. Next chapter please...
And if ever you would still like to be part of that chapter, please write down your name from the bottom of you heart...
If not, then let's all go on with the next chapter.
I am always here for you... but you have to reach for me coz you're the one who let go of the rope that binds us...
Stop, it ends here... tomorrow, although I am still hoping to see you in the morning till the end of the day but if not, I'll move on anyway... living the life of a numb zombie.
But what's important is for everything to end, so that everyone can start anew with everthing.
It has to STOP.
And if ever you would still like to be part of that chapter, please write down your name from the bottom of you heart...
If not, then let's all go on with the next chapter.
I am always here for you... but you have to reach for me coz you're the one who let go of the rope that binds us...
Stop, it ends here... tomorrow, although I am still hoping to see you in the morning till the end of the day but if not, I'll move on anyway... living the life of a numb zombie.
But what's important is for everything to end, so that everyone can start anew with everthing.
It has to STOP.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Last call...
Woman: Dey, I have to say goodbye.
(long silence...)
Woman: Dey, do you hear me?
Man: Yes, I heard you.
Woman: I am sorry dey...
Man: No, you just have to hangup the phone...
Woman: But...
Man: You just have to hang up the phone... no sorries (almost whispering), no goodbyes...
Woman: Ok, bye dey...
Long silence... (click)
End of call.
Man: (With phone still on his hand as if the line was not yet cut) I love you, and that's why I had to let go. I love you still and always.
End of all.
(long silence...)
Woman: Dey, do you hear me?
Man: Yes, I heard you.
Woman: I am sorry dey...
Man: No, you just have to hangup the phone...
Woman: But...
Man: You just have to hang up the phone... no sorries (almost whispering), no goodbyes...
Woman: Ok, bye dey...
Long silence... (click)
End of call.
Man: (With phone still on his hand as if the line was not yet cut) I love you, and that's why I had to let go. I love you still and always.
End of all.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Where are you Now?!
I tried every means to get in touch with you but still I can't reach you...
Where are you now?
Please don't get me too worried like this... I miss you.
Where are you now?
Please don't get me too worried like this... I miss you.
Monday, July 31, 2006
How would you feel?
How would you feel if the one you love always ask you if want some space?!
What would you feel if everytime you have an argument, she'll tell you that maybe you need space?
Should I stay or should I let go? Am I still loved or not?
I don't know. I just feel numb over and over again.
What would you feel if everytime you have an argument, she'll tell you that maybe you need space?
Should I stay or should I let go? Am I still loved or not?
I don't know. I just feel numb over and over again.
Monday, July 17, 2006
And it all came to this...
After I endured every way of pain being inflicted on me...
still it all came to this... the point of no return.
I am screaming right now, yet nobody hears me...
I am bleeding right now, yet nobody sees blood on me...
I am dying right now, yet nobody thought I am...
Nobody knows but me.... and the darkness... and the numbness that I put myself into.
It ends here.
still it all came to this... the point of no return.
I am screaming right now, yet nobody hears me...
I am bleeding right now, yet nobody sees blood on me...
I am dying right now, yet nobody thought I am...
Nobody knows but me.... and the darkness... and the numbness that I put myself into.
It ends here.
Friday, July 14, 2006
A Good Night to Gamble...
Ok, I occasionally gamble.
Last night, there was a wake in the neighborhood so a couple of friends invited me to play Pusoy Winner-Take-All style.
I last gambled 3 months ago so I kinda feel nervous. This is how I gamble, I set a certain amount to gamble and once that amount is lost I just stand up and accept defeat.
Well, not like some who would throw all their money on the table. For me, once you gamble you must accept you have lost a certain amount of money but don't let yourself to lose more.
Ok, I planned to lose only P100.00. In the long run, that P100.00 was already P2,000.00... then it reached to an all time low of P30.00.
In the end, I was happy to win P400.00... not to mention the balato I gave. It was a good night to gamble, I guess...
But tonight, I plan to sleep early. I'm having imsonia attacks and its already giving me a splitting headache.
Can anyone give me any tips so that I can sleep?
Last night, there was a wake in the neighborhood so a couple of friends invited me to play Pusoy Winner-Take-All style.
I last gambled 3 months ago so I kinda feel nervous. This is how I gamble, I set a certain amount to gamble and once that amount is lost I just stand up and accept defeat.
Well, not like some who would throw all their money on the table. For me, once you gamble you must accept you have lost a certain amount of money but don't let yourself to lose more.
Ok, I planned to lose only P100.00. In the long run, that P100.00 was already P2,000.00... then it reached to an all time low of P30.00.
In the end, I was happy to win P400.00... not to mention the balato I gave. It was a good night to gamble, I guess...
But tonight, I plan to sleep early. I'm having imsonia attacks and its already giving me a splitting headache.
Can anyone give me any tips so that I can sleep?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Day Eight
Seven days of no sleep is taking its toll on me. I can't think properly. Mental lapses.
The thing is, I still can't sleep.
I am so darn tired doing our website for the whole day, and yet I am only 30 percent done. :(
Sana matapos na ito.. miss na kita.
The thing is, I still can't sleep.
I am so darn tired doing our website for the whole day, and yet I am only 30 percent done. :(
Sana matapos na ito.. miss na kita.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Day Six and Seven
I spent Day Six at the office. Keeping myself extra busy so that I won't miss my girl...
Does it work?! It doesn't... coz no matter how I try hard not to think of her, the more she gets into my mind. She is already a part of me, I can't deny that.
Day Seven. She called me. She was at the restroom using her father's phone.
I was shocked. She's not supposed to be calling me. But she did...just to tell me she loves me and that she always think of me.
Do you know the feeling of a child who long for his mother... and then the child suddenly finds his mother?! That was the same feeling I got... and all the time all I can tell her is that I love her so much and I miss her. I can't help crying...
Thank you so much for the call. I miss you more.
Does it work?! It doesn't... coz no matter how I try hard not to think of her, the more she gets into my mind. She is already a part of me, I can't deny that.
Day Seven. She called me. She was at the restroom using her father's phone.
I was shocked. She's not supposed to be calling me. But she did...just to tell me she loves me and that she always think of me.
Do you know the feeling of a child who long for his mother... and then the child suddenly finds his mother?! That was the same feeling I got... and all the time all I can tell her is that I love her so much and I miss her. I can't help crying...
Thank you so much for the call. I miss you more.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Day Four and Five
I am already a walking zombie. No sleep. No feelings. No emotions. No thoughts, even.
I just breath in and breath out letting the days pass by...
I spent the two days... well, working on the LGU website, watching the Pacquiao fight, and looking at your pictures.. reading your greeting cards... even scouring your emails.
I can't even sleep.
Iniisip mo kaya ako?! Do you miss me?
Please don't ask me the same questions. Baka mapahiya ka lang.
I just breath in and breath out letting the days pass by...
I spent the two days... well, working on the LGU website, watching the Pacquiao fight, and looking at your pictures.. reading your greeting cards... even scouring your emails.
I can't even sleep.
Iniisip mo kaya ako?! Do you miss me?
Please don't ask me the same questions. Baka mapahiya ka lang.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Day 3
I went to SM MegaMall to see Allen.
Thanks a million to you know who you are for the CK Eternity Perfume and After Shave.. and the FCUK t-shirt (so it was for me "Too Busy to FCUK), really nice although it seems I should really shave off some extra pounds to get it fit on me.
I watched Superman Returns. I wish I could say this to you "I am always around. Good night Lois Lane."
I miss you.
Thanks a million to you know who you are for the CK Eternity Perfume and After Shave.. and the FCUK t-shirt (so it was for me "Too Busy to FCUK), really nice although it seems I should really shave off some extra pounds to get it fit on me.
I watched Superman Returns. I wish I could say this to you "I am always around. Good night Lois Lane."
I miss you.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Day 2
I spent the day on my nephew's birthday in Concepcion. I drove home drunk but I was safe. No bruises this time.
However and still, I had no sleep.
However and still, I had no sleep.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Countdown begins: Day 1
I had no sleep last night... been bothered by thoughts of you. This ought to be the longest nine day s of my life.
Mahal mo pa kaya ako pagbalik mo?! Babalik ka pa nga kaya mahal ko?
Ako?! Mahal kita at maghihintay ako.
I spent the day staring at my cp and at my Gaim Messenger. I feel so lonesome that I do sometimes cry.
I miss you. Tomorrow, I'll be in Concepcion to attend my nephew's birthday. I'll be on a bike via Gerona, Victoria, La Paz then Concepcion. I hope to get there.
I love you.
Mahal mo pa kaya ako pagbalik mo?! Babalik ka pa nga kaya mahal ko?
Ako?! Mahal kita at maghihintay ako.
I spent the day staring at my cp and at my Gaim Messenger. I feel so lonesome that I do sometimes cry.
I miss you. Tomorrow, I'll be in Concepcion to attend my nephew's birthday. I'll be on a bike via Gerona, Victoria, La Paz then Concepcion. I hope to get there.
I love you.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Love in the eyes of a child...
Do find a copy of Little Manhattan and watch it. I did. Starring Josh Hutcherson (Lead child actor of Zathuria) and newcomer Charlie Ray. I love New York.
Here's a review from imdb.com
Expect to be ridiculously wonderful. Don't tell me I didn't warned you.
Here's a review from imdb.com
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Expect to be ridiculously wonderful. Don't tell me I didn't warned you.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Iniwan sa Ere...
Pagdating sa pag-ibig, ang hirap para sa akin na maiwan sa ere...
Minsan kasi, I care too much... or love too much.
Just when you thought that everything is going fine tapos... Boom! Bigla kang iiwan sa ere ng mahal mo.... hindi na magtetext, o email o kung ano pa mang paraan.
Tapos magiisip ka... ng kung ano-ano... hanggang sa sumakit ang ulo dahil sa pagaalala...
Ano na kaya nangyari sa kanya?! Why she doesn't feel well?!
Tapos... Boom! Sorry Dave, I'm leaving you na.
Akala ko, iniwan lang nya ako sa ere... ung pala tuluyan na pala nya akong iiwan muli.
Teka, di pa naman nangyari ung huli eh...
Sana mali ako, di ko alam iisipin kasi eh...
Sana, iwan mo man ako sa ere... wag mo lang ako iiwan muli na nagiisa sa mundong ginawa nating dalawa...
Mahal kasi kita.
Minsan kasi, I care too much... or love too much.
Just when you thought that everything is going fine tapos... Boom! Bigla kang iiwan sa ere ng mahal mo.... hindi na magtetext, o email o kung ano pa mang paraan.
Tapos magiisip ka... ng kung ano-ano... hanggang sa sumakit ang ulo dahil sa pagaalala...
Ano na kaya nangyari sa kanya?! Why she doesn't feel well?!
Tapos... Boom! Sorry Dave, I'm leaving you na.
Akala ko, iniwan lang nya ako sa ere... ung pala tuluyan na pala nya akong iiwan muli.
Teka, di pa naman nangyari ung huli eh...
Sana mali ako, di ko alam iisipin kasi eh...
Sana, iwan mo man ako sa ere... wag mo lang ako iiwan muli na nagiisa sa mundong ginawa nating dalawa...
Mahal kasi kita.
Monday, May 29, 2006
If I may Ask...
Hindi ba nauubos ang luha?!
Sometimes I just wonder as I spent 1/4 of my life crying, won't my tears ever dry up?!
Although I have resigned to the fact that I am bond to get hurt coz its part of life and love, I just wish that I won't ever cry again. Its ok for me to get hurt but I just don't wanna cry anymore...
Sana maubos na luha ko...
Sometimes I just wonder as I spent 1/4 of my life crying, won't my tears ever dry up?!
Although I have resigned to the fact that I am bond to get hurt coz its part of life and love, I just wish that I won't ever cry again. Its ok for me to get hurt but I just don't wanna cry anymore...
Sana maubos na luha ko...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Another pic, brown as I can be!
Sleepy, unshaved and untidy me!!! I've been really stressed out the past few days, I guess. :)
Friday, May 19, 2006
Of trees and hearts...
When was the last time you heard a very good movie line from a Pinoy movie?! Oh well, I still haven't watch it but Clair and her friends were talking about it...
“Oo inaamin ko, sila ay mga yakal, lawaan, apitong, at narra at kami ay saging lang pero maghanap kayo ng puno sa buong Pilipinas saging lang ang may puso…”
- Mark Lapid, from the movie “Apoy sa Dibdib ng Samar”
Neat.
“Oo inaamin ko, sila ay mga yakal, lawaan, apitong, at narra at kami ay saging lang pero maghanap kayo ng puno sa buong Pilipinas saging lang ang may puso…”
- Mark Lapid, from the movie “Apoy sa Dibdib ng Samar”
Neat.
F@cked up!
I am so fu@cked right now. I am furious.
I am so hurt and I am falling apart...
Something really bad happened to my so-called lovelife... and for her protection even though I was really hurt by what she did... I just can't blog about what she did.
All I can blog about is I am so f@cking hurt right now!!! Do you know the feeling you can't talk to anyone coz as I try to say something I just burst out and cry...
I can't even make myself hate her coz I still love her so much despite of everything...
But you know what?! All I can say to her is... it is all my fault (even its not) and I wish you happiness. I am so lame!
And then my bestfriend is also having this really BIG problem. I hope she'll be fine coz I myself can't stand seeing her hurt like that.
My gosh, this is going to be a very loooong day for me... I hope I still have the strength to make it through.
I am so hurt and I am falling apart...
Something really bad happened to my so-called lovelife... and for her protection even though I was really hurt by what she did... I just can't blog about what she did.
All I can blog about is I am so f@cking hurt right now!!! Do you know the feeling you can't talk to anyone coz as I try to say something I just burst out and cry...
I can't even make myself hate her coz I still love her so much despite of everything...
But you know what?! All I can say to her is... it is all my fault (even its not) and I wish you happiness. I am so lame!
And then my bestfriend is also having this really BIG problem. I hope she'll be fine coz I myself can't stand seeing her hurt like that.
My gosh, this is going to be a very loooong day for me... I hope I still have the strength to make it through.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Bye friend...
Bye friend... it has been nice. (Of course nice is an understatement.)
I wish you happiness especially with your future lawyer hubby... whoever that gonna be?!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Guess what?! People online!
Everyday is new day where you get to meet a lot of people even online... some are good... some are so good... while some are awfully bad.
I met this sweet girl at the forum... admittedly, we had something nice going on for the two us but it didn't worked out or reasons we both know, reasons that the only two of us should know.
But guess what? She spilled the beans (after the breakup if you could ever call it one) all over the forum and her friends passed their judgement against me without even asking my side of the story.
Oh well, she must be very happy right now the way she made me look like the villain while her friends look at her as the poor victim. (Update 15May2006: me and her friend has already cleared matters and I hope everything ends there...)
Also, I met a girl at the same forum... who at first seems to be intimidating because of her great looks and deep thoughts and ideas in her posts. Guess what again?! She turns out to be one of the coolest person you'll get to meet online! Now we are bestfriends and I enjoy being her cool dude... she calls me porcs (for porcupine, there's a story behind this), and I call her babyfats (no explanation needed, huh?!).
Dear babyfats: just don't be too trusting, will you?!
Not so long time ago, I also met a lady through our local website... we started as friends and then become sweet lovers. Guess what? I am still very much inlove with her after all these past months to think that we haven't really met each other in person and after all the circumstances that happened between us. I am not sure if she stills love me now, but nonetheless I'm still happy to love her unconditionally.
IMHO, the online world is much like the real world... you just have to be yourself to meet true people. At the same time, you should also be not too trusting no matter how she or he looks like for you'll never know the sucker in them.
I met this sweet girl at the forum... admittedly, we had something nice going on for the two us but it didn't worked out or reasons we both know, reasons that the only two of us should know.
But guess what? She spilled the beans (after the breakup if you could ever call it one) all over the forum and her friends passed their judgement against me without even asking my side of the story.
Oh well, she must be very happy right now the way she made me look like the villain while her friends look at her as the poor victim. (Update 15May2006: me and her friend has already cleared matters and I hope everything ends there...)
Also, I met a girl at the same forum... who at first seems to be intimidating because of her great looks and deep thoughts and ideas in her posts. Guess what again?! She turns out to be one of the coolest person you'll get to meet online! Now we are bestfriends and I enjoy being her cool dude... she calls me porcs (for porcupine, there's a story behind this), and I call her babyfats (no explanation needed, huh?!).
Dear babyfats: just don't be too trusting, will you?!
Not so long time ago, I also met a lady through our local website... we started as friends and then become sweet lovers. Guess what? I am still very much inlove with her after all these past months to think that we haven't really met each other in person and after all the circumstances that happened between us. I am not sure if she stills love me now, but nonetheless I'm still happy to love her unconditionally.
IMHO, the online world is much like the real world... you just have to be yourself to meet true people. At the same time, you should also be not too trusting no matter how she or he looks like for you'll never know the sucker in them.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I love you because...
I posted the following on a forum thread at Kuro.ph that has the title "I love you because..."
Hay baliw talaga ako kapag umibig noh?!
I love you... for no reason at all coz love itself is the reason.
If I love you because you love me... what if you don't love me anymore?
If I love you because you're beautiful, what if you already turned old and ugly?
If I love you because you're nice, what if you suddenly turned grumpy?!
I will love you even if there will be no more reason to love.... coz love knows no reason at all.
Hay baliw talaga ako kapag umibig noh?!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
She loves me, she loves me not....
I remember when I was in high school, whenever I have doubts that some girl that I'm courting would like me or not... I go pick a flower and do the "She loves me, she loves me not" thing.
Somehow, when it ends up with "she loves me" it makes me feel better and when I know that it would result in a "she loves me not"... I do sometimes cheat, I just pick half of the petal and so voila, "she loves me" still!
Most people when they have doubts, they always turn to FATE so that when things go wrong they can blame FATE and not themselves. Most people by nature tend to be afraid of failure that in the process of placing the results of what they do on fate... they never reach their full potential and never knew how far could they have reached if they did their best. I pity them.
Same as in falling in love...
Sometimes as we fear of losing the one we love, we tend to hold back and say "Bahala na kung magtatagal kami or hinde". What happens? My ex used to say, "You attract what you fear". The more you think of something will happen (e.g. a breakup!), chances are great that it will happen.
Well at the age of 30, I know better. I've been hurt before and badly bruised by falling in love so deep, but hey here I am still loving this someone as if I was never hurt before... as if she was not the one who hurt me.... as if I don't know that she already love somebody else.
Yes, this is my choice. To love in pain.. yeah its stupid, I know that. But this is my choice, not someone else's choice... not even a flower's petal choice. My choice, my life, my love.
For me, the best way to love is to love like you haven't hurt before... Go for your choice and do it with pride. Don't worry about pain coz you'll soon get to stand up anyway. Worry about love that could slip from your grip because of self-doubt and faith in fate.
So next time kid, instead of picking up a flower and do a "She loves me, she loves me not"... go pickup a bunch of flowers and give it to the one you love.... who knows, it might be the one thing she has been waiting all her life.
Stay happy!
Somehow, when it ends up with "she loves me" it makes me feel better and when I know that it would result in a "she loves me not"... I do sometimes cheat, I just pick half of the petal and so voila, "she loves me" still!
Most people when they have doubts, they always turn to FATE so that when things go wrong they can blame FATE and not themselves. Most people by nature tend to be afraid of failure that in the process of placing the results of what they do on fate... they never reach their full potential and never knew how far could they have reached if they did their best. I pity them.
Same as in falling in love...
Sometimes as we fear of losing the one we love, we tend to hold back and say "Bahala na kung magtatagal kami or hinde". What happens? My ex used to say, "You attract what you fear". The more you think of something will happen (e.g. a breakup!), chances are great that it will happen.
Well at the age of 30, I know better. I've been hurt before and badly bruised by falling in love so deep, but hey here I am still loving this someone as if I was never hurt before... as if she was not the one who hurt me.... as if I don't know that she already love somebody else.
Yes, this is my choice. To love in pain.. yeah its stupid, I know that. But this is my choice, not someone else's choice... not even a flower's petal choice. My choice, my life, my love.
For me, the best way to love is to love like you haven't hurt before... Go for your choice and do it with pride. Don't worry about pain coz you'll soon get to stand up anyway. Worry about love that could slip from your grip because of self-doubt and faith in fate.
So next time kid, instead of picking up a flower and do a "She loves me, she loves me not"... go pickup a bunch of flowers and give it to the one you love.... who knows, it might be the one thing she has been waiting all her life.
Stay happy!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Nobody Knows...
This song is from someone for me... but then its also for her from me. And you know what, this song really rocks and it kept playing on mind. Lalo ko lang siya tuloy nami-miss. Inis!
Nobody Knows
Tony Rich Project
Talking:
Wish I'd told her how I felt,
Then maybe she'd be here right now,
But instead...
I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....
Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...
Nobody Knows
Tony Rich Project
Talking:
Wish I'd told her how I felt,
Then maybe she'd be here right now,
But instead...
I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....
Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I am WYSWYG is online!
WYSWYG stands for What You See is What You Get and that is exactly who I am.
This is my personal online journal, or my BLOG. I use to have a blog at www.gerona.gov.ph/davidjr, however, I have to make up mind on whether it will be my personal blog or tech blog.
And guess what?! Instead of just putting up this personal blog, I also decided to put up another blog... a tech blog that will replace my "Underrated" blog... its at http://teqnix.blogspot.com.
Unfortunately, I'm still on my downcycle so don't expect me to blog a lot at the pace I was when I started my other blog. Honestly, I am still very much affected by my recent breakup.
But I will be fine! I'll be cool so just watch out for me.
So my friends and surfing visitors, here's my toast to this blog...
Be Happy, Stay Happy!
This is my personal online journal, or my BLOG. I use to have a blog at www.gerona.gov.ph/davidjr, however, I have to make up mind on whether it will be my personal blog or tech blog.
And guess what?! Instead of just putting up this personal blog, I also decided to put up another blog... a tech blog that will replace my "Underrated" blog... its at http://teqnix.blogspot.com.
Unfortunately, I'm still on my downcycle so don't expect me to blog a lot at the pace I was when I started my other blog. Honestly, I am still very much affected by my recent breakup.
But I will be fine! I'll be cool so just watch out for me.
So my friends and surfing visitors, here's my toast to this blog...
Be Happy, Stay Happy!
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